He asked me if I "almost moaned"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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