okay pat passed out under dana's car
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
