i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
