I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
