i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
