Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
