He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
