I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
