is your mom at the bar?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
