hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
