Don't make out with my wife yet
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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