Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
