she woke up with a sticky ear
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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