his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
