My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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