Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
