FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
