I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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