I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
