It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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