I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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