You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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