So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
whose ass print is on the piano?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
