Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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