i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
