worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
