Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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