did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
