i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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