I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
