Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
