im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
