how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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