Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
