Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
