The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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