i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
