Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
