Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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