brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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