Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
