All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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