omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
