my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
