I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
