y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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