I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
