I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
