How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
