Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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